I don't really have all that much to say... I guess that I've been thinking a lot about things and not thinking about things in turn. Life's become an increasingly boring routine. I don't really have much to look forward too.... except for Gilmore Girls, the newest obsession, which is only working to show me how unfulfilled I really feel. I don't have much to look forward too anymore, I'm still suffering from a mixture of hellishly low self esteem and a god complex, and I can't seem to make up my mind on what I want about anything.

I'm apathetic, I'm irritable, I'm antisocial. Which is stupid, because I want more then anything to be social again, but for some reason or other, that apathy is keeping me from it. It's like I have this invisible aspiration to make myself unhappy. Don't know why. I keep thinking to myself, well, I'm just waiting for the right person to show up... but maybe I'm leaving too much to chance.

I was thinking about a quote in the Joy Luck Club about a tiger. The orange of the tiger is his passionate heart, powerful and driven, and the black is the part that knows how to blend the orange into the shadows and disengage, watch with one eye open in hiding. I can't help but think that out of some strange and primal instinct I've regressed into the black stripes, digressing from everyone around me so that I might sit on the sidelines and observe. I'm just scared that once that border is breached, it will be hard to get my old self back.

Even now I'm thinking back on how vibrant my personality was when I was back in middle school and even into my freshman year. I lost a bit in my sophomore, but now I just feel like a shell. I just feel like I'm barely hovering here, barely paying attention to anything that's going on... Oh, I'm paying attention, but it isn't affecting me... Only depressing me further, which is irritating, because I hate being depressed.

I don't know what I'm waiting for.. I don't know what I'm hoping will happen, I just know that something has to happen.

That's why I'm holding so tightly to the hope that Holland will be better, that I'll have a chance there for a new expirience that will affect my whole perspective. I want to take a chance and meet someone I wouldn't have otherwise met. I want to learn. I want to learn to pursue things in a normal fashion, by waiting for them to pursue me.

I guess that I should say that I'm just really really tired of having to make my dreams come true. I'm tired of having to manipulate situations and so I've given up a heck of a lot of control and it's exhausting. There's only so much junk food a person can eat to make themselves feel better, before they just feel worse.

I just don't understand why I can't be happy with anything? I mean, I have everything. I have Michael who loves me with every single fiber of his being, who would do anything for me, who would sacrifice anything for me. I have talents. I may not be able to cook but I can throw together a mean poem if I want too... I have a family, even if I do wonder at times if we all really love one another as much as we say we do. I have a lot of friends.... I just don't see what it is that I'm missing, why it is that I'm so bored and angry and frustrated and full of so many explosive emotions! I have everything.

Or I'd like to think that I have everything. Who knows, maybe I've just been lying to myself the whole time. Maybe I just know that none of it is enough. A love but maybe not a true love, a family but maybe not a true family, friends but no best friend to laugh or cry or trust with secrets... Maybe the pressure is just building up inside me from all of those secrets, those things that I can't seem to get out... I mean, that's probably why I miss Rob so much, because I miss telling him all of my thoughts, though there were still things that I couldn't tell him, that I had to lie about... But it was just that feeling that I could confide.

I want that.

And maybe I just need to stop trying to be in love with people for a while, but I'm scared to be on my own, because I've lost so much confidence in myself that I don't think that I can anymore. And I am so freaked out by the aspect of being alone. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to have to force myself to be best friends with another person because I can't find the right person to be best friends with.

Gosh I miss Jessica. I wish that she hadn't moved away three four years ago. If she had stayed, I just completely wonder what my life would be like. It was like, when she was around, I was completely safe in all of my decision making. I could screw up, I could scream and yell and get into fights with her and I could be pissed, but then we could be just fine right after. I just felt protected. Safe. Like I could trust her. Like everything we did was a big adventure, a big secret that was too special for everyone else. I loved it. I want it back again.

But it's too late.

There are a lot of things that I want.

I want to be friends with my mom too, like Lorelai and Rory, I want that hear and be heard best friend/mamma relationship. But she won't listen and I won't obey so it won't ever work out.

I want my old life back, the life before everything got screwed up over the course of the last few years.

I want a lot of things

but I can't rant abou them anymore because I'm off work in another three minutes and it takes almost ten to shut down the stupid computer.

So maybe I'll continue later... but I don't know. I'm too fed up to think about it.

Lauren

Jan 12, 2008