The road to self discovery is littered with obstacles and terrible mistakes. Sometimes it seems that through perserverance one only works to lose themself further.

The more that you dwell on the principle evils, the more they consume your mind. You lose yourself in trying to avoid them and through frustration you find that the seduction is twice as strong. You find that in pleasure there is hell and in hell there is nothing but regret.

So hello hell, it seems like our game of hide and seek has ended at last.

I don't know how it is that I make such terrible mistakes. I've never been so upset over something that I've dreamed about it. I worry if again I could be making myself sick, but who knows... I don't even know if what I carry inside of me is a sort of illusion that I've created for myself, or if it is real... I suppose that that's something that I will come to find out in time, though the longer that I don't know, the longer that I worry. Mistakes teach us lessons, but this is one lesson that I never ever saw myself learning.

Hell in acceptance.

I'm trying to change for the better, but it seems that things are only getting worse. It seems that I have the Breakfast Club to rely on, but other than them I'm really on my own. Of course, it's been that way for as long as I can remember, but I just began to realize it recently. I never thought that things would get so distorted. I sometimes fear that I can't even tell the Breakfast Club what I'm dealing with, because I'm worried that they'll tell someone else who'll work to judge me. You know how things get around after all..

Hell in fear.

And I haven't been doing well in my walk, which is just as disturbing. I want my walk to be better, I do, I swear. Sometimes though, I guess that I feel inferior, and I want to straighten my life out again before I get back to being devoted. I know that it's stupid, but I'm human and people are stupid, so goody for me it seems that I've made my own dilema. I know that those sorts of things don't matter, but maybe I'm just being stubborn. There's so much that I want but I don't act on.

Hell in seperation.

And that's all that I can really do right now. Just hang in there and wait. I can try to reform, but once again I just feel so ill at ease with myself that I feel that I just can't. It's so hard and I'm worried. I don't know.... But for the next few weeks I'll be in hell... And that's just it.

-Lauren Hatch

September 1, 2007