Sometimes I find myself looking out the sliding glass doors from my desk and just sighing. Days come to pass so swiftly now. The world turns, the sun and moon turn, people change. I've fallen in love, I've fallen out of love. I've realized that it was never love to begin with, that it was just a meeting that changed and influenced my thinking for a short while. I've realized that I've been confused, that I've been lost, that I really don't know what I'm doing… and then I feel so small because the world keeps turning and it doesn't really care that I'm in it.

Not that I begin to think about those sorts of things in a depressing sense, I just get into one of those moods where I'm constantly thinking about life and good choices and mistakes that I made that ruined relationships and people. Thinking about it I've begun to realize that I'm just a destructive person at heart. I'm a selfish liar in the guise of a little girl. I worry that someday someone will see through that, but I'm content right now to just keep on, just purse my lips and keep going through life, waiting for the day that I find someone who understands me at my deepest level.

I don't even know what I want in a relationship right now. I don't even know if I really want one at all. I keep thinking, maybe I'm just looking for someone because I'm lonely and I'm not used to not having someone to hold onto. That's the kind of person that I am after all. I'm the kind that needs constant love. That needs to hold onto someone and kiss them and tell them how much I care about them. I need a personal intimacy.

Because the world doesn't work the way that I want it to.

I've realized that I'm happiest when I'm at work. I'm so eager to listen to everyone's conversations, to chime in, to learn about everyone. It's because I love everyone. I give my heart away so quickly, that it's like constantly touching a hot stove. I'll keep touching it, loving the adrenaline rush before I pull away in pain. To truly love people you have to be kind, even when you don't feel like being kind. You have to realize that you need to do the best for the other person even if you know that it's probably not the best for you. That's just what love is.

And I love everyone here. I have respect for everyone here and that is what my conception of love is based on. I fall in love with the people that I respect.

I think that that's probably why I have such a thing for people who are older then me. I feel that I need to respect someone before I love them, and the second that they lose my respect they begin to lose my love. It's sad, but that's the way that I work.

And don't even get me started on lust. Lust is my downfall. I always confuse it with love. I fall head over heels for these people that I hardly know, because I just want to be with them so badly. I want all of their affection, I want all of their thoughts, their time. Everything.

I'm just a sick person. I want to make people love me, and then once I have their love then I lose interest and want nothing to do with them, just so that I can do it all over again to someone else.

I don't mean to rant but I do want more people to understand me. That's the only way that I feel that I can keep myself from hurting someone. I want them to realize that I'm not a perfect person, and that I can't always please everyone, because even when I do, I'll only end up changing my perspective in a matter of days. Then I'll hurt them anyways.

I change all the time. I am a contradictory person.

One second I can say that I'm dead in love, the next I can rant about how I never want to get married or have children or do any of that. I just can't make up my mind.

And you know what everyone!? That's okay!

I'm freaking sixteen years old and I'm allowed to change my mind.

You people need to understand that. I'm not twenty. I'm not eighteen. I just turned sixteen, I'm in high school and I don't know what I want! I don't I don't I don't I don't!

But I do know that the person that I am in love with, the second that I meet him I'll be able to be myself. I won't have to put on the usual innocent cutesy act.

That's what I'm stuck on right now. That's the mask that I put on every morning. Let me smile and pretend that I'm innocent and I have no idea what you're talking about when you're talking dirty. Let me pretend that I'm the perfect person for you, so that you'll want to fuck me even more. Besides guys like to steal innocence, don't they? I'm not an innocent. I do understand. I play the game just as well as anyone else, and when I put on that act, it means that I'm playing you. I'm the best kind of scam, the scam that gives you what you want before breaking you.

It took Michael a while before he could see that side of me, but he saw it eventually. He knows me. He's probably the only person who has ever known me, and he understands and he loves me anyway. That's what true love is. What Michael is demonstrating. That he loves me, even though I'm a terrible person and even though I'm destructive. And if Michael can keep holding onto me through all of this hell that I'm putting him through, then I will know that he loves me. Because even though sometimes he doesn't know why I do the things that I do, he accepts them.

He's not the right one, the one that I'll be with forever, but he's the first person that I've ever loved and have been loved by in return. That counts for something.

But like I've said, I know somewhere deep in my heart, the unsettling fact that he won't be the one that I'll spend my life with. Maybe it's a mistake, maybe I'm doing something horrible that will ruin the rest of my life, but I know for a fact that if

I don't be true to myself now, then I'll never be true to myself.

But when I meet the man I'm going to marry, I'll know. I believe that the man that I'll fall for will be able to see the real me the very first time that we speak. It'll be raw and crazy and we'll probably fight a lot, but at least I'll know that I'm truly in love. And you know… it'll be worth it, all that waiting and fighting. It'll be worth it.

So this is me being truthful to all of you. I'm not in love. Not with any of you. So I'm sorry, but it's true and I've decided and I've made up my heart and my mind, and I'm not going to lie anymore because everyone else wants me to, or because everyone is pressuring me to. I'm not in love and I don't intend to be for a long time.

I'm through with lying to myself and to everyone else.

I'm not in love. I'm not in love. I'm not in love.

And nothing that any of you can do will change it.

I'm not in love with any of you.

And I hate myself for it.

But I don't want to lie anymore.

I don't want to lie anymore!

And that's just it.

I'm sorry.