Work Diary 2: Home

Sometimes when I'm working I feel like I'm part of a big family. It's a little corny, I know, but it's something that I really feel. I suppose that I'm lying to myself in a sense, considering the fact that even though I know that I would do almost anything for them, they probably wouldn't do anything for me. I guess that I'm still a little green in that sense. I get attached to people too quickly and when I love, I throw my whole heart out to them. I don't hold back. I know that they don't really love me, not in the sense that I love them, but who can really change how, who, and when you will love?

My dad says that he has seen sales people come and go constantly and that only the very best stay. He says that because Hyundai just opened up that they hired a lot of the sales people just to fill positions until people with real training could be hired. It makes me sad thinking about it. Well sad is sort of an understatement. I get upset thinking about my little family splitting up so quickly. My dad says that in three months, he'll be surprised if less than half of them are gone.

I guess that that's what it takes to run a business. Eventually money consumes and you begin to think only of what's best for the overall cause. The people who work for you become minor details.

Some sales associates have managed to hang on for a long time. Cruz for instance will always be there, Dave and Hector will always be there, and Giovanni has managed to stay hired for a very long time. They're going to be the people that I know that I'll see when I come in every morning.

But it makes me sad, you know?

Just a few days ago I made a happy memory with them. I was actually helping Sandra figure out how to work the popcorn machine. We were all over the place looking for the butter and the kernels. We looked everywhere. We looked through cupboards and boxes and I took my first break to help make this amazing popcorn. Well, so we finally cut open a box with Sandra's fingernails and we find the ingredients, but they're in these big plastic cases. So I go running to my desk for scissors and what do you know? They're gone! I figured that one of those pesky sales guys stole 'em like all my pens, so I asked Sandra if she had a letter opener or something we could stab it open with. She said that she had a knife in one of the bags in the lunch room. So she gives me the code and I go running down there to get the knife.

It was my first time being back there ever, after they furnished it and it was semi lived in. It was so quaint. A fridge, empty cupboards, a table and a few chairs. What do you know, half of the family is in there eating sushi. Well I'm scrounging around for a knife and I find it and I run back out there to give it to Sandra.

Of course I meet Bernard on the way and he gives me his usual 'trouble' so I take to threatening him with the knife. He gives me his usual gangsta attitude and goes, "Whatcha gonna do wit' that? You ain't gonna turn no knife on me. I'm gonna take care of you myself. You better have all the sale's eyes on you, because when you're not looking…" And he makes the 'I'm gonna chop off your head' sign. So I chase him down the hall with the knife until I find Sandra and I give it to her.

Even with the knife we're still having trouble breaking the seal and it seems that all we'll accomplish is spilling butter all over the floor, when Bernard yells, "Lauren, what the heck're you doing? You know there's scissors right behind you're damn phone!"

And I'm left feeling stupid, because what the heck, they were just sitting behind my phone! Weird… So I leave the popcorn making to Sandra and I head back to the break room to put the knife back.

Now this was my very first break ever and I must say, it was a delightful break. As I entered the lunch room again I was invited to sit down and try some sushi. It was so nice. I felt like I was sitting down to dinner with a second family. I took the seat near the window and the setting sun was so warm and delicious on my back and neck. Cruz insisted that I try something spicy and apparently I took it rather well, because Sean was in need of a big glass of water afterwards. His excuse was that he had wasabi with everything and he proceeded to scarf down some green beans with more wasabi. So it was the four of us, Cruz, Sean, Jennifer and I just talking and eating sushi.

We had a lot of interesting conversations, like my ever present boy problems. Sean was telling me that he didn't even have his first kiss until he was twenty one and that he refuses to give his heart away until he finds the girl that he marries. Apparently he waited so long to find a girlfriend that his dad began to wonder if he was gay. We laughed so hard. I swear, but it was cute though. I mean, Sean's a sweet faced guy with a very fun and charming personality. Knowing that he waited a while, it gave me a little courage to look inside of myself to see if I was really in love and if giving my heart away at such a young age was maybe a mistake…

Laughing together though was something that I think that I will always cherish. Teasing Sean about being gay, eating California rolls, talking about Jennifer's kids and old boyfriends and about Cruz's boxing. It was fun. Just laughing freely is something that I haven't done for a long long time.

My family at home is so dysfunctional sometimes that I suppose that I just go looking for parental figures in anyone who's older then me. These people I see all the time and they really truly have become like a family to me.

Let's clean up the table Lauren, put the ordering info up in the top cupboard. Now time to go back to work. Let's walk side by side together. You all may not know it, but I'm brimming with love for all of you, that you accept me. That you let me eat at your table, that you care enough to chase away the boys that you think are wrong for me, that I get lectured for wanting to date older than myself. And walking in step in a perfect line, I feel like I'm part of something, and you know I haven't felt that way for years… that belonging that comes with being with a group of people that you believe in. Not since the Rent cast split up two years ago, and now I feel the way that I did back then, every day that I sit in my chair and I laugh and I smile and I love without reservation.

You know something Robert? You're right, I do love you. When you told me I got something you want babe you were right. You're giving me the family that I never had before. I've wanted a family who accepts me as I am, for a long time now.

And when I swung back into my chair and Bernard and Sean chattered about the best way to kill my future boyfriends, and Jennifer took a chair beside me to look at the tabloids with me, and Sandra brought me a bag of fresh popped corn, and Cruz laughed as Kyle punched him in the arm and talked about eating a billion chickens a day, you know…. Every time I sit there, I smile, and I'm happy, because when I'm surrounded by all of them, staring passed their silhouettes through the glass windows into the setting sun….. I feel like I'm finally home.

-Lauren

July 16, 2007