I'm over at Mazzei again today. Nothing much to do really… Hardly any calls this late in the afternoon, but what can I do?

Haha, so I just now saw a Hyundai Veracruz commercial! I was so excited, it just lifted my spirits! Ah when I think of those cars I just have to laugh. They look so chic on the TV and I love watching customers come in and just take in that leathery new car smell. They look through all of the cars and they all react so differently. Some of them can't wait to open them up and jump into the driver's seat,

others look on as though the cars are priceless artifacts that shouldn't be touched. It's amusing.

Here I am just sitting there all day long with these pretty, polished cars, ignoring them completely. They just blend into the overall scenery for me. If the dealership was my home, the cars would be like

my coffee tables and couches.

Watching the customers touching the cars with such reverence is just so strange to me, after watching Robert and Brandon chill in the front seats for so long. They just hang out there so that they can talk to one another and talk to me and so the cars become more like a private seating arrangement.

What I wouldn't give to be able to run over and squeeze into the car with them! Or take a drive with them, or go hang out with them for a few hours.

It's like that with everyone. They all go out and get drinks together and I'm left behind because I'm underage. Sometime I feel like the little sister who always wants to hang out with the older kids, but can't.

Like I've said a few times, I'm the youngest one working here. The next person up in age is Robert and he's eighteen. Sometimes I just wish that I was one of the sales people and that I was a few years older that way I could be with them for longer periods of time. Being in the receptionist desk sort of sucks, because I can't get up and move around. I have to wait for them to come to me. It's not much fun waiting. I just sort of expire on myspace.

Arg!!! Robert just called a few minutes ago for Cruz. I wish that I would have asked him to swing by Mazzei to keep me company or to buy me Jamba Juice or something. Haha, Sean got me hooked. He gave me this amazing drink… some sort of passion fruit thingy, and it was so delicious. I'm so ready for Jamba Juice, but I know that I'll be sorely let down if I hope… nyahhhh! But it's my personality to hope.

Robert, I hereby summon you with my nonexistent mind powers!!!! You will obey my summons and bring me Jamba Juice and keep me company!!!!! Arg!! I command you!!!!

Bleh, he's so not going to show up.

So all I'm left doing is talking on myspace and writing this blog. Oh, and let's not forget the, "Thank you for calling Mazzei Pontiac Cadillac Buick GMC Hyundai. How may I direct your call?" speel. Not that I mind. It's fun for me to say such a long tongue twister.

At Hyundai I don't really get to say much. I also get to page a lot more over here, so you know, that's fun too.

I'm trying to look at the bright side of the situation, okay? Well, I didn't mean that literally, but it seems like I've caught myself in a sort of pun. I'm being blinded as we speak. The sun is coming down right in my eyes. I'll have to put something up in the way in a few moments. Eep, it's burning.

I'm so looking forward to seeing my A team tomorrow. Kyle just popped in a second ago. It looks like he strolled into Brian Vargas's office. I wonder what he wants? Oh well, he came up and showed me his beard. He says that he's getting old and sexy. Haha. He says he's working on his walk. Good luck with that.

Where are you Robert? I want company and Jamba Juice…. Ehhh, I'm going to cry!!!

The sun is actually at a nice height right now. When I rest my chin in my palm, the light hits my knuckles and makes them shine. I like the way the sunlight looks on my knuckles and on my shoulder. I'm wearing white on floral today. I feel like an innocent with the sunlight filtering all over me. Look at it leaving. It's lighting up my hair and extracting all of the chocolates and the honeys and the blondes and the natural dark browns. Now my nose is blinding and the light is climbing up my face and lighting up my cheek bones and the tips of my ears.

Oh! For the first time in a long time I feel almost beautiful. I can see every individual hair that falls into my face. They're beautiful and blinding and gorgeous, each and every one. The sun is setting my face on fire and my eyes are lowered but modestly. Look at the outline of my hand. When it's on fire it looks so small. A boy would be lucky to grab hold of this little hand. My hair is wild! It's glowing and on fire and wild! And when my hair is untamed and ratted and tangled, I feel like I'm at my very best. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Messy hair makes me feel beautiful.

Walk through that door special someone! Come and get me and pick me up and take me out of here and it'll be true love. Mystery lover you're out there somewhere and this game of tag is going to come to a close one day. Tag you're it. My lips are yours, my heart is yours. End of story, game over. I'll love you forever and ever and ever amen. If only it were that easy.

The sun is going away again. The magic is dying. I didn't even put up the sun shade and in five minutes the sun is leaving me. The warmth is going, the euphoria is melting, and I'm normal again.

Normalcy loves company, someone out there talk to me.

Robert and Bernard and Jennifer and all of them said that they can't picture me as the nerd at school… I wonder why that is? I have the glasses, the awkward sense of style… Obviously this job has been good for me. It's helping me to jump right out of my box, but then it's always been that way. I'm a million times easier to get along with when it comes to people older then me. Around people my age I'm shy and I hardly talk unless I'm good friends with the person.

It wasn't always that way of course. I used to be popular a long time ago. A huge group of friends, the pretty clothes, the size four pants, nonexistent hips, hanging out with the boys that were considered the best looking in school. It's been a while since then and I've grown up a lot. I began to hate having to deal with the image and considered it more of a prison then a social standing. I ended up changing friends and trying out a new scene. Hence my goth days. Those were some of the best days of my life, decked out in fishnet and chains and tripp pants. I loved the white powder and big black eyes. I was as free as a person could get back in those days. No respect, swearing swearing swearing, throwing condoms filled with water at cars… I was a terror. I had so much fun at other people's expense. I 'loved' without restraint back then. Though it wasn't love. Then I stopped trying to fit a trend and I became my own person in billions and billions of colors, a kaleidoscope of colors. I was vibrant and new and blooming… and then I hit highschool and then came 'the fall'…. I hit the lowest I could hit and I was betrayed by the illusion of love. My strength left me and as I've said, I'm still collecting the pieces.

Now I just profess to being the shadow in the back of the room, glasses perched on her nose, nose in her book, book in her lap. A little lost Angel as Mishi likes to call me. I'm still small inside, and I'm bitter and though I'm sewing myself back up, the course of a year still hasn't healed me completely. I'm still learning to be the person I was. I'm remembering. I'm trying to heal.

I think that that's why this job has been so good for me. These people they seem to believe in me, and they find me worth talking to. I come in and I get a wave and a smile and a hello. It's been a long time since I've had that.

They don't know hardly anything about me and they're already willing to accept me just as I am. Of course they may not know that I'm damaged, but when I let that ugliness show, who knows what will happen? I can only hope for the very best and I trust them… so what do I have to lose?

I've already lost everything.

I'm ready to try to show more of myself. I can't just hide under the guise of the little doll anymore. I'm animate, I've got more of a personality then my glass smile shows, and I've got the mind of someone beyond my years. I may not have the wisdom, but I have the understanding. I want people to see that. I think that I'll slowly let them see, and hope that I'm accepted anyways.

Yes, I can see already that this is will be an interesting venture and things may not turn out for the best, but I'm putting myself out there. Save me or let me drown. I don't care, but I'm tired of hiding.

Well, I met Brian the mechanic errand boy today. Shock of strawberry blonde, awkward smile, big hands. My heart jumped in my ribs. My father's talked about him a few times. I can already tell that he doesn't like me, but you know, he reminds me of a very doe faced painter. Why does he work with cars? Why not in poetry or art? Listen to me, I sound like a pitiful Eponine begging for Marius's attention. But that's what I am after all. I am an Eponine, or that's my type at least. She was plain and ignored.

Yes I'm the ugly duckling of the group, but I'm content to be it. Someone has to be and I don't mind. I find both Eponine and the duckling to be very endearing. Maybe if I get out a little more of my real self a bit of Claudia will show her face as well.

Give me anger.

Give me deceit.

Give me love.

Give me lies.

Camera flash. Yeah baby that was good.

I don't know why I'm rambling. No one even has the time to read what I write anyways… Well Mish and James and Josh do sometimes and once in a while I have a random visitor, but it's not often. I write too much for anyone to really be interested.

Grr! Robert, where are you!!!? I'm still waiting for my Jamba Juice and I'm really really lonely!

How sweet, no one's online to talk too. What's a girl to do at a time like this? Ramble to herself, because I'm doing a great job of that so far.

I'm just upset because I miss my Hyundai family. I just miss them, plain and simple. I've missed them since Saturday. One more day and I get to see my A team again. Cruz, Bernard, Sean, Jennifer, Kyle and Sandra. I miss them. I miss all of them. Then on Friday I get to spend time with the B team… But until then I'm left typing and waiting and getting cozy with the foot heater under the desk.

No calls for Lauren, the lines are dead.

-Lauren Hatch

July 18, 2007