The curtains draw back. Stage lights blinding and changing and shifting. Distorting. This is the beginning some would argue. From center stage I scoff. This is not the beginning. This is the end. Ignore it if you will, but don't dismiss the fact that one story has come to a close and my home is being torn apart behind the scenes, behind that hideous mockery of a velvet plush curtain.

How can home be considered home when a member of the family has been disowned?

How can we continue to move on when there are so many things that are so insistently pulling us back?

How can we as people be expected to move clear on through our lives, as mindless automatons, doing what we're told/how we're told, with a blandness that can only work to appall? This is how it works when we cease to be people. When we cease to be human. When we are forced to look at one another and see nothing but betrayal and bitterness.

Talk to me and tell me when the world became nothing but concrete and sewage pipes. It seems that the future is here. A future of tyranny and the oppression of both mind and spirit.

I've begun to understand now that famous quote, 'When you grow up, your heart dies.' It's true, because when you grow up, you begin to see things in a ways that are less and less human. You do things simply because they need to be done. You lose interest in the people's lives that you may be destroying. You cease to care about what other people think, to satiate the selfish impulses that your heart tells you to follow. Your heart dies and because it's dead, you don't even realize it.

Chaos in conformity.

I refuse to conform. That's why I refuse to grow up.

This is what I have to live with now. No more smiling faces, no more hellos or goodbyes. It's just living life as though you're dead. With looks of, "It's your fault. You did it. You're a complete and total ass," written plain on people's faces. I'm the one to blame. Everyone thinks that. I can tell by the way that they look at me.

Wake up call it's four thirty and I'm learning what heart break means.

Four thirty one and for a moment I wish that I was dead with them. Six hours of being dead. Like a silent statue watching. Predator. Still as the grave.

Play the requiem for a friend. Sing it sweetly or sing it softly, which would he have like better? Or neither do you think?

And in steps the murderer from act one.

Shock me. What else can you possibly do? I'm daring you with my eyes, my best behavior the perfect front for my utter dislike. I'm bitter. Nothing is going to change that now.

And when the new member comes through those doors I'm going to look on with distaste. He won't understand. No one who comes after the beginning teams will understand, and all through the months of the first team, this stigmata will spread like a wild fire.

Our family has reached the beginning of the end. Our family was a sham to begin with.

One happy family. That's right, you all said that to me when I first got here. You looked me in the eyes and you told me, one happy family. You're all liars. This place is only under the guise of a family, because we're forced to be together for hours at a time. We 'look out' for one another, but how can we honestly look out for one another when we can't stop the expulsion of one of our own?

Ignorance is bliss. Cherish it.

The murderer exits stage right.

And I've been rejected not only by Matt Mazzei but by Brandon. "Come on man, you can't talk to her."

I'm so upset that I could cry.

Why did you have to do this to me, you blind father? Once again, you're doll has been coddled into your way of living. All I did was trust you. All I did was treat you as an equal in all things. And you turned and you betrayed my trust, you went behind my back, and you destroyed everything.

Rebellion? You haven't seen rebellion since the day I swore that I didn't need you and spit at your feet, the day that I first turned my back on your world and what you wanted for me. Lauren the little grade A student with the signature smile and the perfect life, she threw it all away and never once regretted it.

So why aren't you happy now?

I'm throwing you my soul here. Catch it or let it go.

I came back. It took a few years but I came back to you, and I started to trust you again. I thought that maybe I could change. I was hurting and you never saw it. The same as always, ignorant father. You never see when I'm hurting and when by chance you do, you never seek to understand why. You only seek to eliminate those external problems. You always seek to mold me into your perfect cookie cutter world. I changed for all of you, because I was tired of always trying to be different. I wanted you to see me and I wanted you to love me again.

In retrospect you've never had the time to love me.

Draw in the stage lights, the confession has been made.

Love is patience, love is understanding, love is thinking about the other person over yourself. Love is taking into account how certain deeds and actions could upset or ruin a person. Why couldn't you just do as I said? I've told you a million times the way that you can prove that you love me. Read my writing. Try to understand me through debate. Listen to me! Listen to me! Listen to me!

Why did you have to go behind my back? Why couldn't you trust me enough to deal with my own problems. I'm only your little china doll for as long as you keep me here. You aren't protecting me .You're destroying me.

My confessional, the stage lights blind me.

And when I'm crying and upset who will be there to comfort me? Because the one who was, is gone now.

And yes I'm upset. And yes I'm sitting here trying not to cry. And yes I'm disappointed.

Murderer, I could never wish anything bad on anyone. But murderer, one day, I hope that you receive your payment for all of the lies and broken promises and the sadness that you've caused. If I had to live with your guilt, I would kill myself. My heart is growing coarse, but not to the extent that I cease to feel.

What can I possibly say to you murder? What can I possibly say to anyone now? No one will even look me in the eye on the B team, save for Giovanni.

I can only wait and hope that things will be better tomorrow when I have Sean and Bernard to keep me company and Tommy to take me out to lunch. Though, the idea of Tom actually managing to take me anywhere gives me cause to doubt. There will always be something that will keep him away, but I'm used to it. I think that I'll just be disappointed if he doesn't show up, because I need something to take my mind off of this place. A nice lunch with a friend would be the perfect thing to make me feel better, because I feel like I'm in hell right now.

Stigmata. Stigmata. Stigmata.

Tell me what to sing Robert and I'll sing your requiem. Loudly if you'd like it that way, or softly under my breath when I'm at work, looking out of those familiar glass windows, thinking of you.

You'll really have to come by to see me now. I'll be lonely for sure without you. You were right you were one hundred percent of my fun. You'll have to drop by and bring me that stupid Jamba Juice for sure now, since I'll probably never see you again otherwise.

I'm at such a loss. I don't know what to do. What is one to do when innocence is lost and ignorance is shattered? I don't even feel like writing. I'm too upset.

Draw the curtains closed.

End scene.

-Lauren Hatch

July 20, 2007

P.s. Thank you Giovanni for trying to cheer me up! He just dragged me across the showroom floor in my spinny rolly chair! That was fun. ^^

P.s.s. He's bringing me some Jamba Juice too. Thank you Giovanni!!! Update: Its now seven thirty five. His kindness is boosting my spirits. Still very sad though.