Love instilled with death
i sense the truth within his lies
i see the tears beyond his eyes
he wants to be with her, but she'll never know
she wants to take her life but it doesn't show
she cries inside beneath her smile
as she goes to fix her locker dial
she thinks to herself one last time:
"this is the last lie about being 'fine'
tonight's the night; it's finally over
i've hid the gun, it's under my covers"
as she closed her locker, their eyes met
they stopped in that moment, feelign a life well spent
their acts premeditated,
his device unknown
until late that night when both guns had shown
before he left this hideous world
he'd decided to call that suicidal girl
he told the truth of his feeligs inside
all those jokes he told were lies in disguise
he thought he saved her with his last phone call
but he heard the shot, then heard the gun fall
he waited for that moment to tell ehr the truth,
but his heart stopped racing and his lif became mute
he prayed it didn't happen, but knew it was true
there was nothing left, so he took his life too
Copyright © 2008 Lyndzie Garro. All rights reserved
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Wow thats great the only thing i didn't like about it is it didn't sound personal to you and thats what i love bout these kind of poems i like the feeling : ) it was good though but i think you sacrificed too much to make it fit the rhyme scheme
its half true
well it is half true. it is more figurative than literal. but htanks for the feedback!! i would enjoy feedback on my other poems too! i love criticism!
lynz
haha I would but it takes me
haha I would but it takes me bout 10mins 2 write something like this my keyboard just broke and i have 2 use my mouse 2 type check out my poms if u want (there problem is lackof skill at writing)
A very close friend of mine
Committed suicide in 2001. She was very dear to my heart. Your poem brought back a lot of sad memories. She also used a gun.
This is an extremelly well written poem. You have quite a talent. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work.
thank you tj
thank you for your criticism. im very sorry to hear about your loss. i lost a friend of mine 5 months ago in a fiery car accident, but nonetheless it is still upsetting. the truth is i just wrote this poem with no actual insight.
thank you
lynz