REMEMBER ME
Remember me?
I was alone,
Remember me?
I had no home.
Remember me?
I always gave a smile,
Remember me?
Refusing to speak for a while,
Remember me?
I had no mum.
Remember me?
I sucked my thumb.
Remember me?
I was let down,
Remember me?
You took away my crown.
Remember me?
I had a scar,
Remember it was from my ma?
Remember all you possibly can.
Remember,
I was a child,
While you, were a man.
Remember me?
I bet you do.
Remember me?
I've came back to haunt you.
Remember me?
Now I can stop what you do.
Remember me?
I remember you.
- Keisha's blog
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I like this one, very
I like this one, very much
It's strong and powerful. Your message , clear.
It needs a little tightening but it's very well done.
THANK YOU
Thank you. however I do not know how you mean tightening? please explane how i can maybe do this, i am glad you enjoyed it.
grammar
third last stanza should read while you, were a man (not "was a man"). unless the verb refers back to the "i" rather than to the "you"?
Tightening
By tightening, I mean to take out words that are not needed , for flow purposes
and to correct the grammar. These are just suggestions. Feel free to use what you like and disregard what you don't
I was alone,
Remember me?
I had no home.
Remember me?
I always gave a smile, * I would change to Always smiling *
Remember me?
I refused to speak for a while, *I would change to Refusing to speak for a while*
Remember me?
I had no mum.
Remember me?
I sucked my thumb.
Remember me?
I was let down,
Remember me?
You took away my crown.
Remember me?
I had a scar,
Remember it was from my ma?
Remember all you possibly can.
Remember,
I was a little child, *I would remove little*
While you, were a man.
Remember me?
I bet you do.
Remember me?
I came back to haunt you. * I would change to I've come back to haunt you*
Remember me?
Now I can stop what you do.
Remember me?
I remember you.
Thank you
Once again i would like to express my gradatude towards your help I did take your advice on all but one of the re-wording howerver i didn't change it to always smiling as that is not the pitcher i wanted to paint i gave a smile but was not smiling, it was self defence thing as a child i guess. thank you once aging for taking the time to read the work and to comment, your help has been greatful.