Halloween

In honor of that day
When bereft of hope
I found God again
Or should I say
God found me

“You’re no dope,” said He
(Or is it She?)
“Be sad but don’t give up hope
For what’s happening to you
Is no joke.

“Your strength is gone
That’s plain to see.
So you’ll just have to rely on me.

“One day soon
You’ll have to flee.
You don’t know how.
You don’t know when.
But one day soon
You’ll walk out the door
And be a slave to him
No more.”

*****************

Halloween

It was Halloween
And the trees were still green
When something I never dreamed
Could happen
Happened to me
Left me weeping on the basement floor
Saying aloud,
“I have to get out.
I can’t put with this anymore.”

But he had locked the door.
No one could hear my cry.
He’d taken my money.
And the keys to the car
And if I protested
The children he’d scar
Or my face he’d mar
So no one else would want me
As if anyone else would want me anyway,
He’d always say.

From the basement window
I could see the children playing outside
At the Halloween party
I had arranged.
Cookies, cakes, and games
Oh so much fun.
But the moment the party had begun
He had flung
Me into the basement
For I was a witch
Whose evil spirit would surely bewitch
The children and the guests.

And as they ate my pumpkin pies
He filled them with his well planned lies
So that in court someday
They would testify
That I wasn’t a good mom or wife.

With a tear in his eye
He softly sighed
That I was so invested in my career
That at motherhood I sneered
And as for marriage – well,
To me it was just a lark.

I’d never go to the park
With him or the kids.
Why this very day
I had been so busy doing my own thing
That I hadn’t even heard the doorbell ring
And had left the party
Before it had even begun.

“Where’s Mom?”
My children asked.

“She’s resting because she’s so tired.
She’ll be out in a while.
Come on. Let’s go play.
Just forget about your mother today.”

One child looked into the air
With that thousand mile stare.
The other began to cry.

“Come on, kids,” said he.
“How about having fun with me?
Stop thinking about your mom.
I promise
She’ll be out in just a little while.”

But I never got out that day.
And as I heard the guests say “Goodbye”
And the children crying for my lullaby
I wanted to die.
My soul left my body
For there was nothing left of me.

After years of degradation and manipulation
My body was still on the earth.
But the rest of me began to float in the air
And looked down on the young woman
In the bedroom where she raped
In the kitchen where he never failed to berate
Almost everything she said and did.

Three months later
He promised to follow Christ
And treat me right.
Then he called me
Sinner, a thief and a whore
And locked me in the basement once more.

Two hours later
He came down with a butcher knife.

“I’ll use this if you dare to fight.
Follow my every command
Or this hand
Will follow you
And slice your pretty head in two.”
I scampered about
Looking for a way out.

“Don’t run and hide.
Come stand before me
Lest you die.”

Terrified was I
But numb.
A few more tongue lashings
A few more threats
Then he left.

Again in the basement
Yet another part of me had died
But not alone was I.

For on Halloween, a few days before
As I lay sobbing on the basement floor
I had found a power greater than myself.

“Mama, Papa where are you?
Grandma, what should I do?
The police won’t come
Unless the hitting’s already begun
I have no money
And no where to go.”

Then I heard my Grandmother say,
“I am with you here today
And with you I will stay.
Remember when I told you
When you but two
That God loves you?
We’ll it’s still true,
He loves you as do I.
Hear me again --
He loves you as do I.”

God.

I hadn’t thought about God
Since the time
When in adolescent pride
I had decided God was a foolish lie.

But on that Halloween eve
When the leaves were green
God came to me
And a warmth began
To swell
My every cell.

So with strength and pride anew
I rose up from the floor
And began banging on the door.

“Let me out!
Or I’ll break the windows
Then shout so loud
The neighbors will come out!

“Get me out of here!
Do it now!
And stop calling me a stupid cow.
I’m just as good as you
And I have power too.”

Although I’m sad today
Because Halloween is on its way
I’m so glad that on that day
I found out I could pray.
And that even though I was alone
My family and my faith were not just by my side
But inside
Giving me strength
To survive another day
And to slowly but surely
Find a way
To flee
Without him finding me.

Twenty some years I’ve been free
Yet when autumn comes
And I see the leaves
Still green
But about to die,
I sigh and cry
Remembering those days gone by.

And as I say goodbye
To the memories
The battered woman in me keens and screams.

She’s wants what she lost.
She wants to undo her little holocaust.
She wants to be young again
And walk in the sun
Like a regular mom
The kind of mom
She was never allowed to be.

Yes, I’m free.
But the sorrow
Still stays with me.

Someday
Maybe
I’ll be free of the sorrow.
When I don’t know
But surely not tomorrow.

Halloween

In honor of that day
When bereft of hope
I found God again
Or should I say
God found me

“You’re no dope,” said He
(Or is it She?)
“Be sad but don’t give up hope
For what’s happening to you
Is no joke.

“Your strength is gone
That’s plain to see.
So you’ll just have to rely on me.

“One day soon
You’ll have to flee.
You don’t know how.
You don’t know when.
But one day soon
You’ll walk out the door
And be a slave to him
No more.”

*****************

Halloween

It was Halloween
And the trees were still green
When something I never dreamed
Could happen
Happened to me
Left me weeping on the basement floor
Saying aloud,
“I have to get out.
I can’t put with this anymore.”

But he had locked the door.
No one could hear my cry.
He’d taken my money.
And the keys to the car
And if I protested
The children he’d scar
Or my face he’d mar
So no one else would want me
As if anyone else would want me anyway,
He’d always say.

From the basement window
I could see the children playing outside
At the Halloween party
I had arranged.
Cookies, cakes, and games
Oh so much fun.
But the moment the party had begun
He had flung
Me into the basement
For I was a witch
Whose evil spirit would surely bewitch
The children and the guests.

And as they ate my pumpkin pies
He filled them with his well planned lies
So that in court someday
They would testify
That I wasn’t a good mom or wife.

With a tear in his eye
He softly sighed
That I was so invested in my career
That at motherhood I sneered
And as for marriage – well,
To me it was just a lark.

I’d never go to the park
With him or the kids.
Why this very day
I had been so busy doing my own thing
That I hadn’t even heard the doorbell ring
And had left the party
Before it had even begun.

“Where’s Mom?”
My children asked.

“She’s resting because she’s so tired.
She’ll be out in a while.
Come on. Let’s go play.
Just forget about your mother today.”

One child looked into the air
With that thousand mile stare.
The other began to cry.

“Come on, kids,” said he.
“How about having fun with me?
Stop thinking about your mom.
I promise
She’ll be out in just a little while.”

But I never got out that day.
And as I heard the guests say “Goodbye”
And the children crying for my lullaby
I wanted to die.
My soul left my body
For there was nothing left of me.

After years of degradation and manipulation
My body was still on the earth.
But the rest of me began to float in the air
And looked down on the young woman
In the bedroom where she raped
In the kitchen where he never failed to berate
Almost everything she said and did.

Three months later
He promised to follow Christ
And treat me right.
Then he called me
Sinner, a thief and a whore
And locked me in the basement once more.

Two hours later
He came down with a butcher knife.

“I’ll use this if you dare to fight.
Follow my every command
Or this hand
Will follow you
And slice your pretty head in two.”
I scampered about
Looking for a way out.

“Don’t run and hide.
Come stand before me
Lest you die.”

Terrified was I
But numb.
A few more tongue lashings
A few more threats
Then he left.

Again in the basement
Yet another part of me had died
But not alone was I.

For on Halloween, a few days before
As I lay sobbing on the basement floor
I had found a power greater than myself.

“Mama, Papa where are you?
Grandma, what should I do?
The police won’t come
Unless the hitting’s already begun
I have no money
And no where to go.”

Then I heard my Grandmother say,
“I am with you here today
And with you I will stay.
Remember when I told you
When you but two
That God loves you?
We’ll it’s still true,
He loves you as do I.
Hear me again --
He loves you as do I.”

God.

I hadn’t thought about God
Since the time
When in adolescent pride
I had decided God was a foolish lie.

But on that Halloween eve
When the leaves were green
God came to me
And a warmth began
To swell
My every cell.

So with strength and pride anew
I rose up from the floor
And began banging on the door.

“Let me out!
Or I’ll break the windows
Then shout so loud
The neighbors will come out!

“Get me out of here!
Do it now!
And stop calling me a stupid cow.
I’m just as good as you
And I have power too.”

Although I’m sad today
Because Halloween is on its way
I’m so glad that on that day
I found out I could pray.
And that even though I was alone
My family and my faith were not just by my side
But inside
Giving me strength
To survive another day
And to slowly but surely
Find a way
To flee
Without him finding me.

Twenty some years I’ve been free
Yet when autumn comes
And I see the leaves
Still green
But about to die,
I sigh and cry
Remembering those days gone by.

And as I say goodbye
To the memories
The battered woman in me keens and screams.

She’s wants what she lost.
She wants to undo her little holocaust.
She wants to be young again
And walk in the sun
Like a regular mom
The kind of mom
She was never allowed to be.

Yes, I’m free.
But the sorrow
Still stays with me.

Someday
Maybe
I’ll be free of the sorrow.
When I don’t know
But surely not tomorrow.