broken
Why did I even bother?
Haven’t I done enough for you?
Seeing the way I’ve been treated
Please tell me we’re through
Break me while I’m shaking
Ruffle me when I’m awake
Shake me till you’re satisfied
Push me till I break
2002
- msmanson's blog
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Wow
Well expressed. Having been in a recent unrequited love relationship, I can relate. Thanks!
David E. Young
www.davideyoung.com
Thank you
Thank you so much for the kind words, I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
Broken
Powerful. You express emotion very well, elize. I liked this very much.
You mentioned to me that you wouldn't mind crits. As I said, your stuff works. If you want to take it to the next level, you need to learn about meter and line breaks. Easy stuff. Trust me.
I signed up for the crit section here just to see what it was all about. Nasty stuff. You don't need that. Mods are extremely nasty here. I don't get it.
If you want a brief explanation of what I suggested, I'll be happy to put something together for you.
Again, well done.
Mike
suggestions
first of all i would like to thank you for taking the time to really read my poetry and for commenting on each one!! it means a lot to me, and i will not be offended by whatever you say. literature is a way for us all to express ourselves in any way, and that is the beauty of it.
i would love it if you could give me some suggestions! as you would have seen, most of these poems were written a while back, most of them when i was 16 and 17. so you can criticise these poems as much as you want!
suggestions
Now that I know that you were a teenager when you wrote these, I'm even more impressed. Leave these alone then. They're special. You can't go back to that time except through these heartfelt works.
I'll put something together for you in a synopsis of what I mean by meter and other issues, along with links to give you a leg up on maximizing your abilities.
While I'm a poetry editor and moderator on seperate sites, my expertise is in fiction. Don't be afraid to ask questions in this genre.
Mike
thanks
thanks for your willingness to help me. i could give you my email address if you would like to send it via email?
i might just take you up on the fiction questions offer! i write a lot of short (really short) stories, but unfortunately i haven't written any in english, but only in afrikaans (my first language), but if i have questions i will definitely ask you!
elize
email address
Email address received, and no longer needed in this post.