Raven
Raven
A dark haired raven flies amongst my dreams,
Her memory bombards my every sense.
I think of her and thoughts burst at their seams.
Yet all at once she’s at some distant fence.
Emotions swell just like a raging sea.
Experience, it calls me to forget.
These thoughts torment, tornadoes chasing me.
Weighed down by a heavy cast, already set.
I realise that in all ways she’s out of reach,
Does this deter me? NO, I want her more.
These thoughts they drain, a giant recurring leech,
Fed only by her kiss that I long for.
I understand that in a different time or place it might have been,
I grope in fear at the chances I have missed.
Yet deep inside the monster rages green,
I clutch and grasp at our forbidden kiss.
In short, confusion rampant runs and I still fret,
As these thoughts linger, I know I must relent,
Her face, her eyes, her smile I can’t forget,
For in all truth I know she’s heaven sent.
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Enjoyable
I very much enjoyed this read Musel, and like some of the expressions you have used here 'These thoughts they drain.......leech' in particular. My only comment would be that I thought the beginning began strongly then tailed off a bit towards the end. I thought the last stanza could do with a reassessment. Please let me know if you prefer not to be critiqued in this way, and bear in mind it's just my opinion and i'm no expert.
regards
Debs
criticism leads to improvement
Hi debs,
Thnaks for your comments, by all means feel free to critique my work, that is why I am here. I have posted it on other sites where everybody seems to give each other glowing criticism on every write, and I'm not naieve or arrogant enough to think that my writes are the finished article. I'm here to learn so i can improve!
I do agree in a sense it may have tailed off. I was trying to convey certain emotions within a situation and sometimes due to my obsessiveness with the need for a poem to rhyme, it may seem a little contrived or flat towards the end. in contrat however, i am quite happy with the opening line of the last stanza,
In short confusion rampant runs.............
I like the play on words and how it rolls off your tongue, but sure the rest could be improved. I'll take another look at it....
Thanks again for your comments.
Musel
I Feel
I can feel the love and the pain.I always think if I can make someone feel something,happy sad or anything I have done what I set out to do.This made me feel.
Gloria
i like this, especially the
i like this, especially the beginning, to me you don't even need the last verse, this poem is a very good descriptive of emotions
I liked the way you wrote but this is excellent.
The words flow beautifully like thoughts from the heart.
I know a long poem is difficult to handle, so forget the lapses and you do make a good ending attempt but it is below the general impact of the poem.
For me the last stanza should glow like a real punch.
Ah, the longing for forbidden love
Musel,
I enjoyed this piece and the war that raged within your mind and heart. I hope that you are not averse to editorial help because here I go:
In line one of stanza three did you mean to write "then" rather than "than"?
In line two of stanza four did you mean to write "chances" rather than "chance"?
Very nice piece, you have this buddy in your corner.
Pete
i welcome constructive critique, especially from my buddies
Hi pete,
I'm glad you liked it, of course i welcome any help you can give me, I'm far from the finished article.
stanza 3- it should say, "i realise THAT in all......... " silly typo on my part that i will rectify
stanza 4- I meant to say chance, primarily bacause it was a single chance that i missed rather than a multiple amount, although I admit chances would work equally well. In homage to your comments and effort to improve my work I will change it to chances:)
Quite busy in work but look forward to reading your new posts this evening (I'm on GMT)
Musel
Comments are to encourage.
If I start to blowup your poem there would not be
any real meaning left.
So Once written it is the best one can do.
Try blowup with any of my poems and I let you know how you fault.
Any way if you accept critic reactions I shall do so in future writes of yours.
Musel.....what a write!....
this was simply beautiful....the third stanza was my favorite, also I'd like to say that I found the ending fine....I, personally I think you should leave it how it is, I think there's probably more to that ending in your mind then anyone else, I feel I can relate to it anyway......peace.