I wish today that I could die
would that be so wrong?
Paul even said he would rather die and be with Christ

If I am a martyr
let it be today
I would gladly offer my head
there isn't anything here for me to stay

Even if I could build
and possess something
it would be taken away
through any odd or end
and I would be to blame

I laid down my present tense
for my future and my past
and though those both continue to grow
the payment is my now, today, and current acceptable time
and along with this
everything around me
and that happens with me
is gall to eat and vinegar to drink

What praise is there
and what glory?
in my entire life

Even to devote myself to my daughter
and what is around me
would take more things that I have
though she means mroe to me than any material thing
or suffering I could undertake

Am I just a pouter?
and someone who needs to learn about whats real?

If I wasn't so afraid of the only ways I have for suicide
I would have been gone
before I could write this
and bring attention to my plight

At least Jesus knows how I feel
except He got to die
I have been trained by Him
and brought forth much good fruit
but there is nothing here for me
and nothing that will actually be with me to ABIDE

Is there a lesson to learn?
perhaps that what I have sown
isn't worth the terms?

I followed my Master and Father
My Teacher and Martyr
and no matter what anyone says
I did have His Mind
which does the will of God

I guess perhaps also
the only thing that can be done for me
is to be put in some kind of imprisonement
where I will also be spit back out
and given what is actually only patronization
with which to confide

But I guess that is the world
and why people conform to it's tide

to be chewed up
and spit out
and I am reminded of the Laodicean letter
which also contains my vindication concerning motivation
and also the recompense for this world and church's vine

I am much too in hate
of the corruption I could taste and partake of
God curse
as Job prayed
being alive