I used to be AFRAID
Of so many things
That it makes my head hurt
To list them
Afraid of dreams
Afraid of the dark
Afraid of the light
Afraid of God
Afraid of the Devil
Afraid of people
Afraid of heights
Afraid of becoming like people below me
Afraid to leave
Afraid to stay
Afraid of being left behind
Afraid to care
Afraid to be happy
Afraid to cry
Afraid to be angry
Afraid of my past
Afraid of my future
Afraid to fail
Afraid to succeed
Afraid to live
Afraid to die
Afraid of silence
Afraid to speak
And then...

I woke up from a long dream
And found myself alone
Alone with everything I feared
With only my books
My thoughts
To comfort me

For so long everything had seemed okay
On the surface
The truth
Was that everything I was
Was a lie
My identity
Built on a house of cards
That blew out from underneath me
In one strong gust of wind

I looked around me
And found the world had become a vile, ugly place
Full of pain, struggle and deception
Generally void of compassion, awareness, acceptance and real honesty
People living like sheep
In their personal and spiritual lives
Damage
All around me
Ignorance is bliss
And my bliss was gone
Like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy
One lone crab made it out of the bucket
Into the world of self awareness
But for what?

Awake, aware and alone
My conversations with people became
A source of frustration
I could see their pain
So carefully hidden
And knew the causes
People unable or unwilling to get out
Can’t say that I’m blame them
Ignorance is bliss
Look at me
I’m out
Or am I?

How can I be free
Living in a world with so many confinements
I’ve traded in my old baggage for new baggage
Life itself.
Struggling to find out who I am
Without my past
Physically, emotionally, financially
I’ve closed the door behind me
But cannot get the door ahead of me to open
If I stop now
Life will collapse on top of me
Don’t know if I have the energy most days to go forward
I live day by day
Hour by hour
Minute by minute

Now
I am angry
Angry that I woke up so late
Angry that I am so tired
Angry that I did not wake up to a better place
Perhaps by my own doing in another life
Perhaps to somehow help others in this life
Perhaps just to learn
And yet
I am still angry
Angry that those who cause hurt
Or live in hurt
Go on with their lives without consequence
That I know of
That they don’t have to struggle like I do
That their lives seem calm on the surface
I am frustrated
That I can no longer say
Poor me

I survived
And moved on
After years in darkness
Not knowing why I was so afraid, sad and confused
Not understanding the cycles of chaos, self sabotage and self destruction
Not knowing how much worse they would become
Driven to succeed by my fears
Now, I struggle to find new motivation

I have crawled on my hands and knees
Through the muck, filth, fear, and shame
Of my childhood.
Remembering every foul moment
In order to relieve myself of the secrets and burden
I had carried for so long
That I had so carefully blocked out
I have accepted and dealt with these memories and the damage
They left behind
And continue to each day
Like one person
At ground zero of the twin towers
I show up each day with only a dust pan and broom
To clear the debris

Dear Lord am I there yet?
Can I turn the page?
Have I suffered through what I came here for?
Have I learned enough
To move on?
I want to live
And breathe
And be happy
How long will this go on?
When will it be over
When will there be something positive
To speak of my life
Or the person
I am to be?